As every Chicagoan of a certain age remembers, the United States did once have a king. His name was Garfield, and he was a goose.
Born in Cincinnati, Gar ruled from Chicago, where he appeared before his subjects on weekdays with some of his friends.
He was a beloved king. Not once did he order a military parade or order thugs to zip tie his subjects.
Few videos of his appearances survive, but those that do remind us that anyone pretending to be King of the United States is just a very silly goose.
Here, you can see Gar accepting gifts from his subjects. Unlike the current would-be-monarch, you can see that there is neither a quid pro quo nor a crypto account.
Today’s pretender superficially resembles Garfield Goose. Both have big mouths, yellowish paint, and are completely ridiculous.
Gar knew enough to leave actual governing to people who would do the hard work. He was a generous goose who cheered his people on. Today’s would-be monarch is a felon, a grifter, and a thug who tears his people down. Gar also knew that only a ridiculous goose would claim to rule over a democratic people. Anyway, he’s now a museum display.
Sic transit gloria.